I forgot my iPod today. That really blows. I made this sweet mix Saturday night too. The wife and I had a dinner party. We had a few friends over, some sangria, some wine, some food, some good conversation. After that we had a nice satanic orgy/sacrifice. Quite a nice evening. My iPod mix reflected it too.

Fuckabuncha.

Thus, I am stuck here at work sans tunes. That’s a kick in the head. Now I can’t do a 20 song hit list. I am teh 5@dZ0rZ.

But anyways.

You know what I hate? These old and/or homeless people that like to feed pigeons in B-more. And, no, it’s not like the romantic vision you get of people feeding the birds in Central Park. Nuh uh. These people feed the little flying bastards on street corners, in the middle of the street and on well traveled sidewalks. If anything I encounter on a daily basis deserves a “WTF?!”, that would be it. Pigeons are a blight. They aren’t cute. They aren’t endearing. They’re vermin. They’re dirty, aggressive little scumbags. They root in trash, poop all over public property with wild abandon and, I swear, they stink. I know, you’re saying “dude, birds don’t smell, it’s a biological imperative!” To that I say, “naw, dude, have you ever stuck your nose up in one of those flea infested, lousy creatures? They smell like hobo piss.” Not like I have ever stuck my nose up in a pigeon, a pissie hobo or anything, that’s fucking gross.

My wife, and many others, call pigeons rats with wings, and if I had never had to whack a bat with a broom, I’d be inclined to share that view. I always think I’d be hard pressed to find someone that doesn’t share my view on pigeons. That’s why I’m still amazed to see people feeding them in public. You’d think there would be such a public outcry every time someone is spotted feeding those little fuckers. There is when people give money to panhandlers, and they’re people. If I thought the jackasses that feed pigeons on the street actually had internet access, I’d call them out right now. I don’t even think they know how to read, let alone work a fuckin mouse. They’re probably all “I’m ascared u that interweb. It’s just preverts and baby snatchers on there.” Yeah, but they just don’t know how much fun that is. Obviously. They think feeding pigeons on the sidewalk is a good time. Jerks.

You may know this dish by other names, SOS, Stuff on Toast, what have you, but what makes Shit on a Shingle? If you search for Shit on a Shingle on the almighty Wikipedia, it redirects you to Chipped Beef on Toast. End of story, right? Nay. Nay I say. The participant that threw SOS into the conversation grew up with the Shit portion of the dish being tuna in white gravy with melted cheese. I grew up with more like country sausage gravy made with either chicken or ground beef. Further exploration shows recipes including everything from corned beef, to ground beef to seitan (it’s made of people).

This begs the question: what does it matter what Shit on a Shingle is, as long as it’s the best damn Shit on the best damn Shingle there is. Thus the genesis of the Annual Shit on a Shingle contest. The rules: It’s gotta be on toast. Thems the rules. The judges will be the participants, and they will judge on taste, presentation, smell, originality, momitude, whatever they feel makes it good.

Do you have a recipe you think is the best damned SOS in town? Was your mom the Shit on a Shingle queen? Comment with her recipe, sure, why not. Go ahead.

In other news Here’s my top 20 iTunes rockers at the mo:

1. Lifter- Deftones
2. Fiesta de la Rumba- Afro-Cuban All Stars
3. The Misfit- Oneida
4. M.E.- Gary Numan
5. Forest- System of a Down
6. Carnival- Pillows (FlCl, reprezent!)
7. Tweezers- Fudge Tunnel
8. A.T.H.F.- Danger Doom
9. Lightning Song- QOTSA
10. Show Me the Way- Dinosaur Jr.
11. Model Home Invasion- Cursed
12. Boarderline- Ogre
13. It Ain’t Easy- David Bowie
14. I Feel 4 U- Technova
15. Jesus Was Gay- XPQ-21
16. Crumbling Down- Polvo
17. Virtue to Vice-Deathstars
18. Mighty Joe Young- Supersuckers
19. Another Time and Place- Blazing Haley
20. Thunderhorse- Dethklok

Enjoy

But anyway, we’ve been good to the Chinese economy for a little while and visa versa, they’ve been nice and friendly, and visa versa, so we’ve got one of those nice grey alliances going.  The US bringing massive amounts of troops into their territory will piss them off.  It’ll piss off Russia too.  It’ll probably piss off  China enough to get them to get a little froggy up in our shit.  So you have China, the Asian version of the US in the 20’s, ready to leap on the US.  Considering their economic sway throughout the world, who do you think the countries of the world will back?  I don’t think they’ll directly back the US, and remember what I said before about the “With Us and Against Us” camps?  Well, once again, either they’re with us, or helping our enemies.  So we’ll paint the world as our enemy again and given the sheer overwhelming power of the Chinese people, we’ll flail and lash out at the rest of the world, much like a political Wham-O Wiggling Water Snake.  This spazmatronic fit will really piss off other sovereign nation states and they’ll all launch nucular missiles at our major cities leaving us with a sparse population forced to hide from mutant bands in urban wastelands, our only hope being a one eyed scruffy guy with long hair and a black muscle shirt…

Where do you think Russia will go? 

What aboutChina? 

Where will England go once they give Blair the boot? 

What about Germany? 

What about the people down south of the boarder that aren’t too fond of us? 
Korea will be looking our way even harder with those nukes of theirs.  See, everyone will be picking sides, and we’re not the big kid on the block we used to be.  Granted, we aren’t Osama Yo Mamma, but we’ll see.  Either way, we’re looking at a world wide mess and we’re all doomed.

Next: The Final Installment: N. Korea Bo Bea Banana Fana Fo Feea.

These countries leaders share one thing with W. if nothing else, swagger.  Any little push they get, any bad tone of voice, and they’ll tighten up and withdraw from the diplomatic process.  Just ask South Korea.  They’re not too happy about how we’re handling Kim Jong-il right about now, but that’s another point.  As the 2008 elections near, the aggressive posturing will increase until one of the two countries becomes an imminent threat to our national security.  At this point, where ever we decide to invade, it will be a popular front.  They HAVE nuclear capabilities.  They wave them around.  They want to kill us.  How much more clear cut can you get.  No argument.  Bada bing.  Republicans stand strong in the face of a popular enemy and close the gap.  Now, I’m not saying another war will provide the red carpet into the oval office, but it will give them the oomph they need to just squeak out over the top.

Next up:  Part 2: So You’ve Decided to Invade
Iran

THAT is why I like the summer. When it gets nice outside and a gentle breeze comes in from the harbor, all the people of the city come out. It's nice to sit on the stoop and have some human interaction with the people in your neighborhood. You take what rolls by, and that's life. It's cool though. Through that experience, we know our neighbors, their kids, and the local shop owners. We also know the local crack heads, the trouble makers and the dealers. We know who's good and who's bad, and who's about to be evicted. We know the cops on the beat that patrol our hood. We know everyone. You know what else? Everyone in our neighborhood stoops too, so they know everyone too.

I think I had a point to tie all this crap together, but I can't remember what it was. I bet you're smarter than me anyway, and you could do it more eloquently with your left arm tied around your back.

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ON THE OTHER HAND

I got a call this morning from a doctor that sounded like he’d suffered a bad stroke. He was hard to understand, but I took the time and effort to listen. I didn’t have to, really, I could have just pushed him on to voice mail, but I didn’t I took the time to listen to what he needed (he was trying to get us in on a federal survey for a specific program, no biggie even). I could tell that it was a chore for him to make these calls, but my taking the time to listen really did him well. After I took the pertinent info down, we had a little chit chat about how great of a town B-more is. I could tell that little exchange brightened his day. All because I took the effort to listen.

I know what you’re thinking “yeah, so this makes you a better than me or something?” Honestly, if you don’t take the time to at least give people a chance to be human, then yes, I am better than you.

I got an Asian Chicken salad from Panera today and I told them not to put the chicken on it.

I got my salad back to the office, and it had chicken.

Why does Panera hate me so?

I never did anything to hurt it.

Well…

There was the time I had sex with its girlfriend in the men’s bathroom at that skuzzy punk bar…

And the time I borrowed Panera’s car and ended up driving it into a telephone pole…

Oh…

I forgot that one time that I was on some heavy meth and busted through the wall to its living room…

Then I stabbed it in the leg with a boning knife…

There was also that time Panera’s mom was getting all up im my grill for stabbing it with the boning knife, so I punched her in the face…

Either way, shouldn’t all that be water under the bridge by now?

Did I deserve this?

I think not.