Fatties Love the Cock


Rats with Wings


I forgot my iPod today. That really blows. I made this sweet mix Saturday night too. The wife and I had a dinner party. We had a few friends over, some sangria, some wine, some food, some good conversation. After that we had a nice satanic orgy/sacrifice. Quite a nice evening. My iPod mix reflected it too.


Thus, I am stuck here at work sans tunes. That’s a kick in the head. Now I can’t do a 20 song hit list. I am teh 5@dZ0rZ.

But anyways.

You know what I hate? These old and/or homeless people that like to feed pigeons in B-more. And, no, it’s not like the romantic vision you get of people feeding the birds in Central Park. Nuh uh. These people feed the little flying bastards on street corners, in the middle of the street and on well traveled sidewalks. If anything I encounter on a daily basis deserves a “WTF?!”, that would be it. Pigeons are a blight. They aren’t cute. They aren’t endearing. They’re vermin. They’re dirty, aggressive little scumbags. They root in trash, poop all over public property with wild abandon and, I swear, they stink. I know, you’re saying “dude, birds don’t smell, it’s a biological imperative!” To that I say, “naw, dude, have you ever stuck your nose up in one of those flea infested, lousy creatures? They smell like hobo piss.” Not like I have ever stuck my nose up in a pigeon, a pissie hobo or anything, that’s fucking gross.

My wife, and many others, call pigeons rats with wings, and if I had never had to whack a bat with a broom, I’d be inclined to share that view. I always think I’d be hard pressed to find someone that doesn’t share my view on pigeons. That’s why I’m still amazed to see people feeding them in public. You’d think there would be such a public outcry every time someone is spotted feeding those little fuckers. There is when people give money to panhandlers, and they’re people. If I thought the jackasses that feed pigeons on the street actually had internet access, I’d call them out right now. I don’t even think they know how to read, let alone work a fuckin mouse. They’re probably all “I’m ascared u that interweb. It’s just preverts and baby snatchers on there.” Yeah, but they just don’t know how much fun that is. Obviously. They think feeding pigeons on the sidewalk is a good time. Jerks.

Sending out at an S.O.S.

A few days back, I was hanging at the corner tavern and a conversation came up on “Mom Food”. You know what I’m talking about, the food “mom used to make”. We reminisced over Chicken a la King, Frito Pie, various casseroles, Goulash and a perennial favorite, Shit on a Shingle. We concurred on recipes (Chicken a la King is chicken in white sauce with some veggies over rice, Frito Pie is Frito’s, taco meat, beans, sour cream and cheese, etc.) or at least concepts (Goulash is anything in the fridge with paprika over noodles) for all the above, save one. Shit on a Shingle. Everyone in the bar seemed to have a different experience with what a true Shit on a Shingle is. Other than the Shingle being a piece of toast, there was no agreement on a proper recipe.

You may know this dish by other names, SOS, Stuff on Toast, what have you, but what makes Shit on a Shingle? If you search for Shit on a Shingle on the almighty Wikipedia, it redirects you to Chipped Beef on Toast. End of story, right? Nay. Nay I say. The participant that threw SOS into the conversation grew up with the Shit portion of the dish being tuna in white gravy with melted cheese. I grew up with more like country sausage gravy made with either chicken or ground beef. Further exploration shows recipes including everything from corned beef, to ground beef to seitan (it’s made of people).

This begs the question: what does it matter what Shit on a Shingle is, as long as it’s the best damn Shit on the best damn Shingle there is. Thus the genesis of the Annual Shit on a Shingle contest. The rules: It’s gotta be on toast. Thems the rules. The judges will be the participants, and they will judge on taste, presentation, smell, originality, momitude, whatever they feel makes it good.

Do you have a recipe you think is the best damned SOS in town? Was your mom the Shit on a Shingle queen? Comment with her recipe, sure, why not. Go ahead.

In other news Here’s my top 20 iTunes rockers at the mo:

  1. Lifter- Deftones
  2. Fiesta de la Rumba- Afro-Cuban All Stars
  3. The Misfit- Oneida
  4. M.E.- Gary Numan
  5. Forest- System of a Down
  6. Carnival- Pillows (FlCl, reprezent!)
  7. Tweezers- Fudge Tunnel
  8. A.T.H.F.- Danger Doom
  9. Lightning Song- QOTSA
  10. Show Me the Way- Dinosaur Jr.
  11. Model Home Invasion- Cursed
  12. Boarderline- Ogre
  13. It Ain’t Easy- David Bowie
  14. I Feel 4 U- Technova
  15. Jesus Was Gay- XPQ-21
  16. Crumbling Down- Polvo
  17. Virtue to Vice-Deathstars
  18. Mighty Joe Young- Supersuckers
  19. Another Time and Place- Blazing Haley
  20. Thunderhorse- Dethklok


The Road to World War, a Tale in Three Parts. Part 3: Korea Bo Bea Banana Fanna Fo Feea

If Iran decides to stick with the diplomatic process and accept the cookie bouquet the UN gave them, then the Administration willbe in a lurch.   Enter North Korea, literally.  So, we go in full force, balls out into N. Korea.  Sounds easy enough.  But wait!  What about that sleeping red giant over there?  Our relations with China have been pretty good lately, Taiwan not withstanding, but we have to remember our history with these guys.  At one point we really hated each other.  We actually went so far as to go into 2 unofficial wars with them.  Once in a country called Vietnam, the other time in a country called Korea.  Yeah, that’s right Korea.  Not North Korea, not South Korea, but Korea.  That’s all water under the Bridge over the River Kwai.  Oh, that?  That was when we were friends with China. 

But anyway, we’ve been good to the Chinese economy for a little while and visa versa, they’ve been nice and friendly, and visa versa, so we’ve got one of those nice grey alliances going.  The US bringing massive amounts of troops into their territory will piss them off.  It’ll piss off Russia too.  It’ll probably piss off  China enough to get them to get a little froggy up in our shit.  So you have China, the Asian version of the US in the 20’s, ready to leap on the US.  Considering their economic sway throughout the world, who do you think the countries of the world will back?  I don’t think they’ll directly back the US, and remember what I said before about the “With Us and Against Us” camps?  Well, once again, either they’re with us, or helping our enemies.  So we’ll paint the world as our enemy again and given the sheer overwhelming power of the Chinese people, we’ll flail and lash out at the rest of the world, much like a political Wham-O Wiggling Water Snake.  This spazmatronic fit will really piss off other sovereign nation states and they’ll all launch nucular missiles at our major cities leaving us with a sparse population forced to hide from mutant bands in urban wastelands, our only hope being a one eyed scruffy guy with long hair and a black muscle shirt…

The Road to World War, a Tale in Three Parts. Part 2: So You’ve Decided to Invade Iran

This is the most likely scenario. We not only have troops already stationed on both boarders, but we have a larger coalition of world backing at this stage of diplomacy.  The world backing will not exceed this stage of diplomacy.  The increasingly aggressive tones used by the Administration will again paint the world into two camps:  With Us or Supporting Our Enemies.  The rest of the world doesn’t really want to back another US lead invasion into another Middle Easter Country, considering our recent record.  Not for us, they become against us.  The Middle East, seeing another fellow brown country (yeah, I know, Iran is where the Aryan race came from, but because of years of cross germination under the Ottoman Empire, they’re brown now, so suck it), another fellow MUSLIM country, being invaded by the US.  This, my dear readers will be the last stand, seen as the final push towards a war of fundamentalist cultures.  CRASH! BOOM!  SHAZAM!  KERPLOW! Now the world has to choose sides. 

Where do you think Russia will go? 

What aboutChina? 

Where will England go once they give Blair the boot? 

What about Germany? 

What about the people down south of the boarder that aren’t too fond of us? 
Korea will be looking our way even harder with those nukes of theirs.  See, everyone will be picking sides, and we’re not the big kid on the block we used to be.  Granted, we aren’t Osama Yo Mamma, but we’ll see.  Either way, we’re looking at a world wide mess and we’re all doomed.


Next: The Final Installment: N. Korea Bo Bea Banana Fana Fo Feea.

The Road to World War, a Tale in Three Parts. Part 1: Election Time Again

By the end of this presidential term, we will be invading either Iran or
N. Korea.
  Between the scandals plaguing the leadership, the lack of resolution in Iraq and the Immigration in-fighting, the Republican Party is losing ground.  It will be a challenge to get a moderate Republican into office at this rate, let alone Bill Frist or Jeb Bush (like there’s any doubt about either of these 2, c’mon).  There is always the Gay Marriage angle, but Iraq looming overhead kinda diminishes its power.  Immigration?  Like I said before, that one’s doing more harm than good.  They need something with some grab.  Enter the bad boys on the block, the enemies of our friends, allies and country: Iran and North Korea.  Both are working on nuclear capabilities, and both clearly dislike the US.  While we are involved in international diplomatic channels with the leaders of both countries, we’re keeping the overtone of aggression in there, just to keep them on their toes. 

These countries leaders share one thing with W. if nothing else, swagger.  Any little push they get, any bad tone of voice, and they’ll tighten up and withdraw from the diplomatic process.  Just ask South Korea.  They’re not too happy about how we’re handling Kim Jong-il right about now, but that’s another point.  As the 2008 elections near, the aggressive posturing will increase until one of the two countries becomes an imminent threat to our national security.  At this point, where ever we decide to invade, it will be a popular front.  They HAVE nuclear capabilities.  They wave them around.  They want to kill us.  How much more clear cut can you get.  No argument.  Bada bing.  Republicans stand strong in the face of a popular enemy and close the gap.  Now, I’m not saying another war will provide the red carpet into the oval office, but it will give them the oomph they need to just squeak out over the top.


Next up:  Part 2: So You’ve Decided to Invade

The Best Place to Find the News that Agrees with You

In a kinda sorta recent Pew survey, (hey, it was the most recent survey I could find, so fucketh thine offeth) some people that call people and ask them things while they're eating dinner discovered that more people are getting their news online than ever. Just check these tables out about what the people that actually took this survey think:
This chart that says some stuff
See That? People are reading the news online like mad.
I'll argue that it is the same reason people move to the suburbs, the same reason people commute to work alone in a big bo-honkin SUV and the same reason there are more classifications for punk rock than butterflies. It's because we like to keep to our own. We like to not have contradictory or even alien viewpoints into our lives. I'll admit, I fall into this trap just like the rest of the slobs. I'll also admit that I'm a registered Democrat and I read right wing media. But the problem is, if it's not within our Google search or on the news site that prescribes to our specific world view, we aren't even aware that it exists.

THAT is why I like the summer. When it gets nice outside and a gentle breeze comes in from the harbor, all the people of the city come out. It's nice to sit on the stoop and have some human interaction with the people in your neighborhood. You take what rolls by, and that's life. It's cool though. Through that experience, we know our neighbors, their kids, and the local shop owners. We also know the local crack heads, the trouble makers and the dealers. We know who's good and who's bad, and who's about to be evicted. We know the cops on the beat that patrol our hood. We know everyone. You know what else? Everyone in our neighborhood stoops too, so they know everyone too.

I think I had a point to tie all this crap together, but I can't remember what it was. I bet you're smarter than me anyway, and you could do it more eloquently with your left arm tied around your back.

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